I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
3 2 1 whiskey
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
