If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
