There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
