I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Randomize
