peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
