I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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