some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
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