I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
