It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
