Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
It's official drugs can't kill me
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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