it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
