the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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