just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
try to milk me bitch
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