I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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