Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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