just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
