I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
