just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
