Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
