oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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