All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
