I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
