Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
