My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
