Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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