The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
