Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
