I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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