Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
