Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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