I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Randomize
