Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
