The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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