i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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