I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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