it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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