I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
