i barfeds in our rink
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
