Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
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