The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
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