you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
