i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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