He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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