I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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