Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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