I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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