Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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