I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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