So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
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