what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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