You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
